The Creation of Dogs


Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us everyday. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever. He will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, This new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged histail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in your Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this animal to be a reflectionof my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name and you will call him Dog." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No problem. I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Dog's Commandments


1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
7. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
8. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
9. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
10. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
11. I will not throw up in the car.
12. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
13. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
14. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
15. The bank drive-thru lady does not work for McDonald's.
16. Crying through the speaker does not make her send cookies out.
17. Barking at the cars in front of us does not make them move faster.

Dog Letters to God


Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smellone another?

Dear God:
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?

Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

And, finally, my last question

Dear God:
When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?